"Love Yourself First” – Easier Said Than Done, Right?

I used to hear the phrase, “You have to love yourself first,” and think, “Sure, sounds great, but how the heck do I actually do that?” Back then, self-love seemed selfish and a bit weird to me, like I was supposed to be some modern-day Narcissus, swooning over my own reflection.

I’d wonder, “How is loving myself supposed to make my life or relationships any better?”

Now, after a journey of personal growth, I can guide my clients to understand that self-love is far from narcissism. But first, let’s clear up what self-love isn’t and the traps people fall into when they’re trying to figure it out.

Malignant Self-Love

When I started as a therapist, I saw “self-love” get twisted into an excuse for all kinds of bad behavior. Clients would say, “But I have to love myself!” to justify everything from dodging responsibility to being downright rude.

Real self-love doesn’t mean putting your needs above everyone else’s. In fact, it’s the opposite: Healthy self-love makes you more empathetic and compassionate. More on that in a bit...

Stop Judging, Start Loving

Here’s another thing self-love isn’t: Judgment.

Ironically, people use the idea of self-love to beat themselves up. I’ve seen so many wonderful folks in tears, saying things like, “I don’t love myself, and that makes me hate myself even more.”

They’re told, “You have to love yourself,” without any clue on how to actually do it, leaving them feeling even more broken.

How to Know if You Love Yourself

"Love is a choice."

After years of being a therapist, a partner, a parent, and a perpetual work-in-progress, I’ve realized that love isn’t about feelings. It’s not about hurting others or beating yourself up.

Here’s what I’ve learned: You don’t need to feel love to have it. Love isn’t just a feeling—it’s an action, a choice.

Choosing tolerance, compassion, and acceptance for yourself, even when you don’t feel like it, is the essence of self-love. It’s about making positive changes in your life.

Sometimes, you might feel a burst of self-love, like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. But true love is a state of grace, an energy that puts well-being first. Love is compassion, empathy, support, hope, and help—for others and for yourself.

Exercise: Embrace Self-Love

Ready to start loving yourself? Try this exercise:

1. Daily Affirmations: Every morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself three things you love about who you are. It might feel awkward, but stick with it.

2. Gratitude Journal: Write down three things you’re grateful for about yourself each day. Focus on your strengths and achievements.

3. Self-Compassion Break: When you catch yourself being self-critical, pause. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re doing your best. Treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend.

4. Acts of Kindness: Do something nice for yourself each week. Whether it’s a bubble bath, a walk in nature, or a favorite treat, show yourself some love.

   
   

Self-love is a journey, not a destination. Keep choosing it, and watch how it transforms your life.